I first heard the text below – don’t look yet! – and its
accompanying tune from the ELW hymnal while listening to one of my most admired
friends and colleagues play for a streamed chapel service online. I first met him in the early days of grad
school at Eastman – another of my newly found friends TOLD me that I was going to a
service of Lessons and Carols at a Lutheran church in town. I didn’t have a choice, I was going. I said, well, ok. I wasn’t really expecting much, but I was in
for the surprise of my life. I had never
heard such hymn playing. During the service
I found myself singing as hard as I could, almost yelling the text at times,
and I even found myself starting to belt out in chest voice so I could sing
louder as I was encouraged to add fervor to the words by his
improvisations. It was a life changing
experience, and my own hymn playing changed forever. After that evening I never missed one
Lessons and Carols service at that church, and after I graduated I made it a
point to return for them when my schedule permitted, even through crazy snow
storms. It became a yearly pilgrimage
for all of us who became close during those days.
Back to today’s music and text – don’t look! I must admit that I did not know and could
not hear the hymn text as I was first listening to it. Nevertheless, I was completely taken by his
rendition of it. For a brief few
moments, the world stopped and my mind quit running in its familiar, infuriating circles. There was nothing left but
those few, heart-wrenching moments of musical pain. Those of you who love Brahms will understand
that statement. This particular colleague has the most incredible gift of
improvisation coupled with a deep maturity and understanding of spiritual texts
that I have never encountered again. Before you read the text below, take a moment
or two to listen for yourself – it begins around the 15:20 mark.
What did you think?
Maybe you weren’t moved by it all – that’s ok, too. For myself, I listened to the hymn over and
over again. After I finally looked up
the text, I was not surprised to see that my friend had once again conveyed the
feeling and meaning of the text though the music. I LOVE the deep, dark textures he coaxed out
of the organ – VERY Brahmsy. I did not
have to see the words as I listened – I felt them.
What went through my head? Believe it or not, my thoughts immediately
went to the importance of the sacrifices we make for the people we love. The importance of completely pouring
ourselves out for the sake of the ones around us, to the point of being completely
empty ourselves. Helping loved ones as
they are held hostage in the prisons of their own grief and pain. In my experience I have found that when I
truly committed to this path, it was disturbingly easy. And the emptiness that follows wasn’t apparent
until there was no turning back from the path I had chosen. I gave beyond my reserve, going deeper with
every dark turn. As painful as this was,
and as large as a wound it created, if I had the opportunity I would not change
the course I had chosen because I know this is why we’ve been given to each
other. This is why we have been given
the gift of family, friendship, community and love. I need not worry about what happens to me
when I am blessed enough to have people around me who will do the same – that is
the gift of God within all of us, and for me, the true definition of freedom.
And now, the text of the hymn, which was written by Susan
Palo Cherwien. I was amazed when I read
the text and found how much it complemented the thoughts that were inspired by
the music. I owe that to my incredibly
talented colleague.
In deepest night,
in darkest days,
When harps are hung, no songs we raise,
when silence must
suffice as praise,
yet sounding in us quietly
there is the song of God.
When friend was
lost, when love deceived,
dear Jesus wept, God was bereaved;
with us in our
grief God grieves,
and round about us mournfully
there are the tears of God.
When through the
waters winds our path,
around us pain, around us death:
deep calls to deep,
a saving breath,
and found beside us faithfully
there is the love of God.
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