Friday, June 15, 2012

Rigorous Honesty

I love to write - I always have.  Creative writing was one of my favorite and most successful subjects growing up in school, and one of the few ways I felt I distinguished myself as a student.  As I understand the process now, I know that how much time you spend reading has a direct effect on your success as a writer.  I suppose there are some that would take issue with that, but I have to agree with Stephen King's statement in his fantastic "essay" about writing when he said something like, "...if you don' have the time to read, you don't have the time or the tools to write."  Preach it.


For me, one of the essential tools to writing well is rigorous honesty - not just plain, old honesty, but rigorous honesty.  I've been ruminating on this term for a while now after being introduced to it by a cherished friend whose experience with it came through a 12-step program.  I think its origins are much more ancient than that, but more on that later.  When I am writing - whether it is a blog, a letter, a grant proposal - I find it almost impossible to share an idea if I don't believe every word or sentiment expressed.  I spend a ridiculous amount of time editing the "finished" product until the words and phrases appear in exactly the way they need to.  When this happens, I can almost feel that "click" in my mind.  If the "click" doesn't happen, the piece always feels unfinished, and I feel, well, a little dirty.  Weird, I know.  This is also the same way I approach music.  Practice is not just about learning all the right notes, but about perfecting the idea of a piece and being able to communicate that idea to the listener.  If I don't believe the idea, I can't play the piece.  Plain and simple.  


Writing, like all other arts, is just a mirror of life.  And I am no means suggesting that these stupid little blog posts are art in any way. The art lies in the process.  And just because I engage in the process of art doesn't mean the result is art.  Just visit an art class at your local community college and inspect the "art" created there.  While we may not be able to appreciate these creations as art, I bet most of the people who created them consider it a very personal and very honest portrayal of an idea they are trying to express.  But the end product isn't the point - the honest process is.    


And here we arrive back at the "honest" part.  Rigorous honesty.  In college I had a friend who had a spirit and personality that was larger than every room he was ever sitting in.  You could never accuse him of being phony or trying to be something he was not - you always knew exactly what you were going to get, and you knew you were going to get a lot of it.  Incidentally, I think this is one of the things that make him such an incredible musician.  He was one of the truest friends I would ever have, and was overwhelming at times.  He believed that friendship was all-encompassing.  You hide nothing.  You share everything, including the brutal truth when the situation demanded it.  You were connected in every way possible and held no emotion or thought back.  This was a little much for me at the time - not because I was frightened by it but because I thought it was completely unrealistic and unpractical.  And it is.  But in many ways, it is the most honest - rigorously honest - way to be in relationship with someone.  After all, if we are friends why do we hide ourselves from each other?  


I wonder if rigorous honesty exists anymore.  The world seems like a pretty fake place most of the time.  Society is constructed so that we can present ourselves the way in which we want to be seen.  We can create our own environments, our own little worlds, really.  Some prefer to stick out from the crowd.  Some prefer to blend in to the background.  Some set themselves up so they can control everything around them, including people.  Some remove themselves from society completely and spend a considerable amount of energy making themselves invisible.  This all seems like a well crafted effort to hide ourselves.  What are we hiding from?


And then there are those people who just...are.  Do you know anyone like that?  They don't really conform to any group, and yet they don't really stick out, either.  They have a certain uniqueness about their spirit that reveals their true selves to the world.  They are unique because they know who they are and they rarely, if ever, try to show you anything else.  They emanate trust and integrity.  They are larger than life.    


Not too long ago, I would have defined the purpose of life as the search for your authentic community - family, friends, work, whatever - so that you can plant yourself and become your most rigorously honest self.  The problem with that is sometimes that community, for whatever rhyme or reason, is a temporary one.  Relationships end.  People die.  Companies fold.  And our reality comes to a crashing shambles around us.  What then, are we left with?  Ourselves, of course.  And that can be a frightening reality if the unveiling of our naked selves reveals a stranger to our own eyes.  Will we then have the courage to be rigorously honest with ourselves and admit to who and what we truly are, no matter how painful that reality might be?  And will we have the wisdom to also see the strength that brought us to where we are, and the strength that still lies in reserve for the next challenge?  


Life, like art, is a process.  If we are true to ourselves, it is a rigorously honest process.  And for the process to be complete, we have to share the end product with those around us, even though they may not be able to appreciate it. And THAT takes much courage and strength...



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