When God is Silent

What do you do
When God is silent?

When you've run out of prayers
and the bookshelf is empty,

When the world is screaming
and your mind is paralyzed in fear,

When faces are blank
and eyes are darkened,

When words are empty
and hearts are closed,

When friends defer
and evil defends?

We do as the scriptures ask - sit as still as air
and search the innermost chambers of our hearts to find that

When God is silent
it is because he has already spoken.

Taking on the Creed...

PLAY ME!

Ah, Mozart.  Musical settings of the mass, the credo in particular, don't get much better than his Great Mass in C Minor.  Enjoy the first portion of the Credo in the recording above as you read.  It's not the best recording ever, but the best I could find on YouTube.   If want a real treat, check out Neville Marriner's rendition with St. Martin in the Fields - it's choral gold.  Click here for a text and translation and try not to be too offended by the use of "old" language.  Gotta look beyond those things sometimes, people, and understand it in its historical context.  I only used this version because its clarity of comparison between the Latin and English.  This particular musical setting will take you though the text, "came down from heaven".

I have wanted to do this for YEARS. And it's probably not what you are expecting...

I love the Nicene Creed. I remember as a kid growing up in the AME Church where my father was a minister perusing through the hymnal, reading all the liturgies in the back of the book, wondering what all that stuff was really about. We only had communion once a month, and it was taken with GREAT seriousness and reverence. The altar guild and all the other "women's" ministries dressed in white and wore white gloves when handling the communion wares. The altar table and other furniture were draped in white. And if you were EVER caught walking inside the altar area or, God forbid, running through the church in any fashion whatsoever you were taken outside and reminded of just how sore your behind could become. And this could be done by someone other than your own parents in our church...old style discipline, indeed. That may seem over-the-top for some but in hind sight (pun sort of intended) I am grateful for being taught what it meant for a place to be holy and filled with the presence of God. This doesn't mean our services were staid, quiet or boring. On the contrary. You were in the minority if you were not on your feet swaying back and forth during the hymns (which were ALWAYS sung with spirit), or shouting encouragements at the preacher during the sermon. Worship was a participatory event, not a spectator sport.

Back to the creed - I remember saying these words as a child, tasting them in my mouth without the ability to fathom their flavor. As I grew, my understanding of what was trying to be expressed grew from vagueness to clarity. Not definitive clarity, but more like a general direction to a final destination. That's what I believe the creed is - a gateway to understanding something that is beyond our human capability to understand.  And once I began to explore larger choral works, I was even more in awe of the words and their implied meaning.  The incredible, musical genius of composers such as Bach and Mozart added to the unending possibilities of meaning that could be attached to these simple words.     

A creed or any kind of statement of faith is USELESS to the greater Church if it is so intractable that it cannot be interpreted or understood by future generations. That being said, it cannot be so flimsy that it has no core to its meaning. And that, my friends, is the genius of the Nicene Creed in my opinion. It is specific enough so that we know we are talking about the God of the Hebrew and Christian scriptures without denying the possibility that God can and will, in fact, continue to act, create, and manifest himself past the time of its inception. Is it perfect?  No - but we should never expect or require perfection in anything that we do to describe God and his relationship to his creation.

Just to specify a few points for future reference: I use "he" in reference to God because 1 - that is what I grew up with and it still works for me, 2 - referring to God without some personal pronoun is too impersonal in my opinion, and 3 - it gives deference to the familial relationship of the Holy Trinity, which can serve as a mirror of our familial relationships here on earth. Sometimes I even use "He", because, in my feeble opinion, God is just enormous of an idea - of a reality - to be encompassed inside "he". Our language is unbelievably inadequate when it comes to expressing these ideas, hence the complexity of the creeds in general. Do I think God is male? No. Do I think God is female? No. Do I get I little bit annoyed when I hear others refer to God as "she"? Yes, but only because many have admitted to doing it to make a point and annoy the "he" people. In the end, do I think that really matters? No. I think the whole debate is a bit childish and completely misses the point. Call him/her/it what you wish - you will not offend me. And I ask you in the same token not to take offense at the terms I use for my Creator. Our relationship with God is a very personal one, and I think we need to give each other a little leeway when we dare to name someone who is such an intimate part of our souls. 

Also, when I refer to "The Church" or "the greater Church" I am not referring to any specific denomination or faith. I am referring to the Church as it is proclaimed in the Christian Scriptures. The whole body of Christ, in all its manifestations and expressions. And I do believe that there are many, including ones which we do not have the wisdom or spiritual maturity to recognize. That doesn't mean they don't exist, and that God is not using them to his own purpose.

For those of you who don't know me well: I am not a biblical scholar. I have no "formal" training in theology, dogma, etc. I do not have a seminary degree. I have worked in the church for 18+ years, and have always made it a point to know and understand the faith and denomination of the congregations and parish in which I have worked. In many cases, I discovered that I knew and understood more about the Lutheran and Episcopal traditions, for example, than many of the congregants and parishioners, and sadly, sometimes more than the clergy I've worked with - but that's for another post. I do not believe we should leave the interpretation and understanding of the scriptures and principles of our faith to the "hierarchy". There are many reasons, but one of the main ones is that we, as lay people, in many instances have a broader understanding of how faith works in the world because we are out in it every day, encountering what the world has to offer at any given time. That's not to say that some clergy do not make it a point to be present amongst the masses. But I think many of us would agree that there is an alarming number whose understanding of the Body of Christ seems to disappear once they leave the doors of the church building. This is not what the Scriptures teach but, again, that is for another post.

Why am I doing this?  Because there is so much talk these days about how irrelevant and out of date the creed is, and that is does not reflect what we believe as a modern, forward looking society.  I completely disagree, and think people take the creed far too literally.  And perhaps that's what the church fathers wanted, but I think something beyond their own wisdom was at play when the Nicene Creed was created.


So, I hope you will read the upcoming posts and let me know what you think. I will spread my thoughts over several posts so we can dig into some things.  I'll also try to include some of my favorite musical examples.  I know, I am a big geek, but I love this stuff.  Maybe you do too.  Perhaps you will agree with some things, or think I am completely full of it. That's ok. As I grow in my faith and maturity I may look at what I've written years from now and think the same thing. But the importance of going through the struggle cannot be overlooked.

Hope you will ponder with me!

Rigorous Honesty

I love to write - I always have.  Creative writing was one of my favorite and most successful subjects growing up in school, and one of the few ways I felt I distinguished myself as a student.  As I understand the process now, I know that how much time you spend reading has a direct effect on your success as a writer.  I suppose there are some that would take issue with that, but I have to agree with Stephen King's statement in his fantastic "essay" about writing when he said something like, "...if you don' have the time to read, you don't have the time or the tools to write."  Preach it.


For me, one of the essential tools to writing well is rigorous honesty - not just plain, old honesty, but rigorous honesty.  I've been ruminating on this term for a while now after being introduced to it by a cherished friend whose experience with it came through a 12-step program.  I think its origins are much more ancient than that, but more on that later.  When I am writing - whether it is a blog, a letter, a grant proposal - I find it almost impossible to share an idea if I don't believe every word or sentiment expressed.  I spend a ridiculous amount of time editing the "finished" product until the words and phrases appear in exactly the way they need to.  When this happens, I can almost feel that "click" in my mind.  If the "click" doesn't happen, the piece always feels unfinished, and I feel, well, a little dirty.  Weird, I know.  This is also the same way I approach music.  Practice is not just about learning all the right notes, but about perfecting the idea of a piece and being able to communicate that idea to the listener.  If I don't believe the idea, I can't play the piece.  Plain and simple.  


Writing, like all other arts, is just a mirror of life.  And I am no means suggesting that these stupid little blog posts are art in any way. The art lies in the process.  And just because I engage in the process of art doesn't mean the result is art.  Just visit an art class at your local community college and inspect the "art" created there.  While we may not be able to appreciate these creations as art, I bet most of the people who created them consider it a very personal and very honest portrayal of an idea they are trying to express.  But the end product isn't the point - the honest process is.    


And here we arrive back at the "honest" part.  Rigorous honesty.  In college I had a friend who had a spirit and personality that was larger than every room he was ever sitting in.  You could never accuse him of being phony or trying to be something he was not - you always knew exactly what you were going to get, and you knew you were going to get a lot of it.  Incidentally, I think this is one of the things that make him such an incredible musician.  He was one of the truest friends I would ever have, and was overwhelming at times.  He believed that friendship was all-encompassing.  You hide nothing.  You share everything, including the brutal truth when the situation demanded it.  You were connected in every way possible and held no emotion or thought back.  This was a little much for me at the time - not because I was frightened by it but because I thought it was completely unrealistic and unpractical.  And it is.  But in many ways, it is the most honest - rigorously honest - way to be in relationship with someone.  After all, if we are friends why do we hide ourselves from each other?  


I wonder if rigorous honesty exists anymore.  The world seems like a pretty fake place most of the time.  Society is constructed so that we can present ourselves the way in which we want to be seen.  We can create our own environments, our own little worlds, really.  Some prefer to stick out from the crowd.  Some prefer to blend in to the background.  Some set themselves up so they can control everything around them, including people.  Some remove themselves from society completely and spend a considerable amount of energy making themselves invisible.  This all seems like a well crafted effort to hide ourselves.  What are we hiding from?


And then there are those people who just...are.  Do you know anyone like that?  They don't really conform to any group, and yet they don't really stick out, either.  They have a certain uniqueness about their spirit that reveals their true selves to the world.  They are unique because they know who they are and they rarely, if ever, try to show you anything else.  They emanate trust and integrity.  They are larger than life.    


Not too long ago, I would have defined the purpose of life as the search for your authentic community - family, friends, work, whatever - so that you can plant yourself and become your most rigorously honest self.  The problem with that is sometimes that community, for whatever rhyme or reason, is a temporary one.  Relationships end.  People die.  Companies fold.  And our reality comes to a crashing shambles around us.  What then, are we left with?  Ourselves, of course.  And that can be a frightening reality if the unveiling of our naked selves reveals a stranger to our own eyes.  Will we then have the courage to be rigorously honest with ourselves and admit to who and what we truly are, no matter how painful that reality might be?  And will we have the wisdom to also see the strength that brought us to where we are, and the strength that still lies in reserve for the next challenge?  


Life, like art, is a process.  If we are true to ourselves, it is a rigorously honest process.  And for the process to be complete, we have to share the end product with those around us, even though they may not be able to appreciate it. And THAT takes much courage and strength...

I'm coming out!

The political season is gearing up - let's all take a collective moment to roll our eyes, groan, turn our heads and wretch, etc. Face it - a good portion of us, dare I say, most of us, can't stand being constantly barraged by the television ads, the phone calls, the crap fastened to our screen doors with rubber bands...it's during this time I am most thankful for the DVR and the fact that we don't have a land line. It's also during this time I wish we could just wrap the house up in a big plastic bubble to keep out all the political trash that comes in droves.


I'll admit to being a bit of a Facebook junky. But for all you people out there who think I'm on "all the time" - you have no idea. The only thing that keeps me on for more than 10 minutes at a time is Bejeweled and Words With Friends. But I digress. As the political season gears up, so do the Facebook postings about different issues and politicians. I find it interesting to read the different links and stories people comment about, but what I find most interesting is the number of people who don't want to be my friend because of the way I vote. I can see a puzzled look on some of your faces right now.


Well, be puzzled no more; I'm a Republican. I did not vote for Obama, and I won't the second time around, and no, I do not feel as if I "owe it to my people" - but that's a whole different post. Do I march in lock step with all the policies of the Republican Party? Hell no. Just as I am sure that you do not agree with all the policies of your party. I do not support the death penalty, although I struggle with what would be a just punishment for people who destroy human life without any intention of reform. But as far as I'm concerned their "punishment" is for God to decide. I am pro-life, but I'm certainly not going to force any decision upon you. But I can't in good conscience vote any other way. Do I believe everyone should have access to health care? Absolutely. Do I think we should give that responsibility to the federal government? Hell no. They are poor stewards of the money we give them already, and there are few things in the business world (or any other world, for that matter) they have proven they can do better than the private sector. Yes, I recycle. But I will never buy a hybrid car - they are still just too hideous, and the chic ones are too expensive for me. And yes, I occasionally shop at Wal-Mart. Sorry, people, but until you pay my bills you have no right to tell me where to shop, and I shudder to think of all those people who would be out of a job if we shut them down just a mile down the road from my house.


Being a Republican doesn't mean I am less intelligent. It doesn't mean I am cold hearted. It doesn't mean I am a racist. It just means I think differently than many of you. I would dare say that most of my friends are non-Republicans, and there are only a few with which I've been able to have an intelligent, non-combative conversation about politics and ideas. I find that very sad, and I think part of the blame goes to the manipulative press and politicians. The other part of the blame goes to ourselves for allowing them to manipulate us into thinking that we should hate each other.


So, I hope you will still be my friend. If you won't, we'll, that's your choice. I am still the same person you knew before you read this. I like you, and to be honest I could care less who you vote for as long as you make an informed decision and vote your conscience. But please stop calling me stupid and saying you hate all Republicans. Because I can guarantee you, there are at least one or two who love you very deeply.

Saving The Church From Itself

Lately I've found myself watching a lot of sports movies - "Win-Win", "The Express", etc.  I'm not sure why, but sometimes I think our imaginations function a bit like our bodies do when it comes to nutrition.  I've read in several places that it's not unusual to crave foods that are high in protein, like nuts or meat, when the body is lacking in protein.  Or when the body needs more vitamin C, we gravitate towards oranges, etc.  You get the point.  I think my imagination, my spirit, has been craving a little "umph", a little testosterone, whatever you want to call it.  And yes, I know that's kind of sexist but I don't care.  I'm making a point.  

I've arrived at a place where I have to make a decision - actually, I think my unconscious made it for me, and my conscious mind had a fit.  That decision is whether or not to give up.  Give up on what, you ask?  I answer: does it really matter?  Once you give up, you give up.  You've laid down your arms.  You've packed up your body armor and called it quits.  It really doesn't matter what comes at you at that point - you're a goner.  

Giving up is not as easy as you would think.  In fact, I believe sitting on the fence is much, much easier.  You don't have to make a decision one way or the other.  You can continue to lick your finger and test the wind until the cows come home.  And if they don't, what do you care?  You're up on the fence out of harm's way.   Or so you think.  Little do you know that one strong kick from either side of the fence will send you tumbling, and at that point you have no power to make decisions about which side you're going to fall on.

Spit it out, Nicole - what does this have to do with The Church?  I'll tell you.  I've been reading article after article passed on by colleagues and friends - clergy, lay and musicians - about what's going on in particular denominations and faiths.  I've read in the newspapers and magazines about global happenings in faith communities.  There seems to be one unifying theme to all the issues that are presented: The Church hierarchy, in whatever form it takes in whatever denomination or faith, is completely out of touch with the people it SERVES.  I'll say it again.  SERVES.  SERVICE.  That means putting the needs of SOMEONE ELSE before the needs of yourself OR the needs of the institution.  Aha - there's the sticky part.  After all, doesn't the hierarchy exist to protect the needs and longevity of the institution?  If you think it does, than perhaps you are reading a completely different Bible than I am, which is certainly possible these days.  

I'm not even going to suggest that you bore yourself and read all the blogs, articles, etc., that are out there drawing attention to the issues.  Unless you enjoy that type of thing, and if you do you've already read them.  But if you don't, just go to your own church.  Talk to the people in your own District, Synod, or Diocese.  Read your denomination's monthly or bi-monthly magazine or newsletter.  Surf the net.  Go talk to some other clergy members in your particular church - not just your own.  What do they really believe?  How does it compare with what the hierarchy is preaching?  If there is serious opposition, what is being done about it?  Are you really ok with being a part of an institution who states one thing on paper and preaches another from the pulpit?

I am certainly not asking people to challenge others about what they believe and why - everyone is on their own faith journey and will find their own way to God, and there are plenty of denominations out there to support one belief or another.  I am challenging others to fight for what they believe in, while at the same time giving others the respect and dignity they deserve as human beings.  State your case.  Express your thoughts, and allow others to express theirs.  Don't rule by squashing the opposition.  Many people in The Church these days call that leadership.  It's easy for me to affirm what I believe, and affirm what you believe when we agree with each other.  It's much more difficult for me to give the same respect to the person who is diametrically opposed to what I think.  But I must, as a person who believes that every human being has value, respect their right to express it.  The place where we turn into big chickens is lovingly confronting each other when it gets out of hand.  We get angry.  We get emotional.  We start attacking each other personally.  All natural reactions, really, but unacceptable in a group of people who have mutually agreed to be in relationship with each other.  You can't just do or say what you want.  You have a responsibility to me, and I to you.  And if the hierarchy of any Church uses its "power" to grind down those who respectfully question its decisions or actions, than that institution is NOT acting out of the love and respect God demands and it should be called out for it.

Perhaps that seems like radical or extreme stuff.  Maybe.  But I believe that there is no such thing as a non-extreme Christian.  Christianity is a RADICAL faith, even in its utmost humility.  That doesn't mean we go around blowing each other up, condemning one another to hell, or saying that if we don't comply with the rules we are risking our salvation, as I heard in the news this week. As if any human being on this earth has the power or knowledge to state such things.  

I read an article several weeks ago (click here if you want to read it), and I know I'm supposed to "identify" with it because of my age/generation but I really think it's crap. I agree that we are to treat each other with love; but the core of Christianity includes bringing Christ to those who do not know him by showing them who he is. That doesn't mean I have to go door to door like our Mormon friends (who, I must say, have gotten a lot nicer over the years).  It could be as basic as helping a random stranger pick up the groceries they dropped in the parking lot, bringing up your children to be faithful Christians, or feeding the poor at the local soup kitchen - that's living the Gospel, baby.  Its simplicity is the beauty and genius of it.  But along with those actions we must be willing to admit openly, when necessary, that we do them because our faith INSPIRES and REQUIRES us to do so WITH A LOVING HEART.  Is that really so hard?  When someone asks me, "Why are you helping me" I can simply say "because my faith inspires me to love those around me".  Whether people buy into it or not is their choice.  I don't consider this an attempt to "convert" people - wrong word, wrong sentiment.  It is simply showing them who I am.

I'll be the first one to say that I roll my eyes every time I see over the top, devotional license plates or the employees with more religious paraphernalia on their desk than their actual work.  You know why?  Because if I have to put up all that signage to let people know I am a faithful person then I'm doing a pretty crappy job of living my faith.  If we are truly living as faithful followers of Jesus, we can go on living our "quiet, Christian lives" as described in the article in the assurance that we are spreading the Gospel. But in the end, we have to admit that there is nothing "quiet" about it. Living a life rooted in love and sacrifice for your neighbor is about as foreign to modern society as eating dirt. If that weren't true, then leaving my post at Christ Church wouldn't have been seen as so shocking, as it was to some - it would have been seen as the only choice, which is what it was to me.

Back to my point on service and hierarchy: if someone - that means us - does not stop the administrations in these denominations from destroying the expression of God's love for his people from within by politic-ing, fighting over agendas, voting themselves raises and more staff while the local churches die on the vine, and on and on and on...the only thing the world is going to say about Christianity is that "it had a good start, but in the end only existed to serve itself which is why it died a slow, painful death.  What a shame, because there is so much love and wisdom in its teachings."  

This is why we can never give up.